Actual headlines from our nation's finest newspapers... Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Farmer Bill Dies In House Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? Stud Tires Out Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax Miners Refuse To Work After Death Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 `84 War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Obesity Study Looks For Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board Hospitals Sued By 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Contributed by Luthien: ----------------------- "woman not injured by cookie" "eating dirt still a hard habit to break" "Drought turns coyotes to watermelons" "Searchers find Big Ugly child" "man shot, stabbed; death by natural causes ruled" "Family catches fire just in time, chief says" "Braille dictionary for sale, must see to appreciate!" "First annual animal abuse council benefit pig roast" "Organ recital fades after firm beginning" "Ban on nude dancing on governor's desk" "Ohio man, 79, pronounced dead, but says he feels much better now" "It's official, dead people can't vote" "Death row inmates no longer allowed day off after execution, official says" "Woman dead when head removed" "death may ease tension" "Receiving a creamated relative in the mail can be a rude shock" "Mayor says DC is safe except for murders" "dismembered victim not a pleasant fellow" "One-legged man competent to stand trial" "Sheriff and God Collide at Church Intersection" found at http://www.nyx.net/~jlromano/humor/headlines.txt ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers * House passes gas tax onto senate * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung * William Kelly was fed secretary * Milk drinkers are turning to powder * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water * Farmer bill dies in house * Iraqi head seeks arms Some become unintentionally suggestive: * Queen Mary having bottom scraped * Prostitutes appeal to Pope * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over * NJ judge to rule on nude beach * Child's stool great for use in garden * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again * Organ festival ends in smashing climax Grammar often botches other headlines: * Eye drops off shelf * Squad helps dog bite victim * Dealers will hear car talk at noon * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests * Miners refuse to work after death * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended: * Never withhold herpes from loved one * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious: * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while * War dims hope for peace * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Cold wave linked to temperatures * Child's death ruins couple's holiday * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years * Man is fatally slain * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation found at quotations.co.uk: How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs The Royal Gazette, 9 May 1985 Woman off to jail for sex with boys The Record, 23 October 1984